insomnia

my fear

parismoon..

Sometimes I lie awake at night, terrified.

I’m scared of:

Being the right girl.

Being the wrong one.

Being a good girl.

Being a bad one.

Holding on.

Letting go.

Abandoning dreams.

Creating new ones.

Thinking too much.

Not thinking enough.

Being too rigid.

Letting things go.

Holding in.

Speaking out.

Staying in one place.

Never settling down.

Going broke.

Making ends meet.

Growing old.

Dying young.

Dreaming too little.

Dreaming too much.

Being understood.

Being misunderstood.

Letting you down.

Filling you up.

Moving forward.

Moving backward.

Asking questions.

Not asking questions.

Seeing the world.

Not seeing the world.

Loving too much.

Not loving enough.

Loving you.

Loving myself.

Posting this.

Not posting this.

Taking the risk.

Not taking it.

…

life is precious — treat it well

2014-year-of-horse-chinese-new-yearI ought to be asleep. No, really. Normal people go to bed before 11 p.m. Normal people also go to bed before 12 a.m., and 1 a.m., and 2. More often than not, I go after 2. Even on work days. Even when I’m tired. Even when I haven’t gotten enough sleep for weeks and weeks and weeks.

You see . . . I just . . .

There’s so much more I want to do than I possibly can in sixteen hours. And since we’re supposed to sleep eight hours out of every twenty-four . . . I put sleep off until I absolutely have to and often end up getting less than I should . . . And sometimes, yes, sometimes, I regret it. But only sometimes.

Tonight is not one of those times. Continue reading →