where i’m at

I’m surprised y’all are reading me, honestly. Lately it seems I only write crazy dialogues with myself, or I preach — to myself. I’ve always believed people are more alike than different (culture is extrinsic rather than intrinsic, at least initially), and so it is perhaps validating if you can relate to my absurdity. But . . . Really — I’m sorry.

That adult-child piece, though — the idea that when we were kids we thought adults had things all figured out . . .

Oh, honey.

As I have aged, life has (sadly) gotten more rather than less complex. This is of course inevitable as a person assumes self-reliance in adulthood, but I sometimes wonder if the modern world and its Internetopia hasn’t exaggerated this complexity. Now not only am I aware of what was once the “Great Unknown,” the Great Unknown is also available at the opening of an Internet browser. I can access the world with my fingertips.

And not only that, as an adult, I’ve become increasingly aware of the world within. We are emotional creatures with the capacity for both great love and great darkness. The things that make us “us” start when we are young, but it is as we grow and grapple with our genetic and cultural makeup that we can make decisions about who we will become. I myself have struggled with feelings of inadequacy. Why? Many reasons, but it is up to me to determine what to do with those feelings. I have one life to live. Why should I spend mine trying to meet others’ standards?

This is where that “why” I’ve mentioned comes in. If I am tuned into my own values — the morals I learned as a child and the passions that make me “me” — and if I listen to my gut on a daily basis, then I should have nothing to apologize for. I’m me, and I’m on a journey. If you’re not interested in joining the ride, then please, move along. (Easier for a “pleaser” like me to say than do!)

I didn’t make it to my trash clean-up this morning. I wanted to — both for humanitarian and social reasons — but I’m realizing that sometimes it’s okay to take a day off. I needed to write this post as much as I need to think. And to breathe. I hope that, wherever you are, you’re taking a day off and taking care of yourself this weekend, too.



7 thoughts

  1. I read you because there are so many similarities between the things you are thinking and feeling and doing and the things I have thought and felt and done over the years. The difference, I think, is that you are more actively involved in the doing than I was ever able to because fear and insecurity drove me down the more traditional path. So … I enjoy reading about your journey.

    • Thanks, Mark. My blog has certainly evolved with time, and I think it will continue to evolve. I have thoughts of writing more poetry and/or trying my hand at short stories. We’ll see.

      And it’s interesting — I never set out to follow a nontraditional path. It sort of just… happened. I think I’m glad it did, even though sometimes it’s been incredibly hard.

      Anyway, cheers! It’s nice to know we’re not alone. ;)

    • Lol, I don’t have a TV or Netflix. I’ve thought about looking into both, though. I did swim tonight! Swimming always makes me feel better — well, except that I’m so slow… Oh, and there’s an unopened bottle of wine in the fridge. Maybe I’ll open it now!

      In other words, thanks!

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