to begin again

me2I hesitate to start this post. I don’t want to make pre-broken promises. I am broken, so how can my words be anything but?

I’ve never lost my passion for writing. But I have, from time to time, lost my voice. It gets buried within — too deep to find; too deep to retrieve. Clear writing takes clear thinking; for me, it takes fervor, too. I cannot write about something I don’t care about. Or, rather, I don’t want to.

But life has taken some twisty turns lately. It’s been hard to find my way, so different has the labyrinth been from the straightaway I’d imagined.

Decisions have been harder, too — and more life-altering. I’m in my thirties now. I can no longer afford the luxury of screwing up.

And so I’m taking take baby steps. I’ve always been a thinker, and I’m bordering on being over-analytical now. Not to say I can’t make decisions, but . . . when I get to the end of my maze, I want to know I navigated its zigzags the best that I could.

And I want you to know, too — those who have joined me, those who have cared; those who have stayed with me long enough to watch me try (again and again and . . .) to

begin again.

 

p.s. Thank you, those of you, who have reached out to me in my silence. You encouragement means more than you know.

47 thoughts

  1. Life is constantly giving us new beginnings Jess. With each one comes a new set of opportunities as well. Of course there will be times when we lose our way, or get mired in seemingly endless false starts. All we can do is keep going. To put it in terms that I know you will understand, life is an endurance event. Persistence combined with patience is your path to a podium spot in life. Be well and keep pushing forward my friend.

  2. Sorry to hear that there are twisty turns in your life these days. I get that. I know that you’ll find your way to the end of the maze you’re in. Just keep moving forward. You’ll get through it and be better for it.

    And I feel those are all such vague platitudes, but although we’ve never met, I feel like from reading your blog I can tell these things about you. You’re tough, thoughtful, and dedicated to taking care of things. So, they’re more than just vague platitudes. Good luck.

    • I know you’re right, Lucas! I just want to make smart decisions now so I have no reason for regret later. I hope you’re doing well! It’s great to hear from you. :)

  3. There is so much we, as writers, are not aware. I sense some missteps, where one perhaps might think looking for the truth were enough. The truth, I am learning from an article entitled “Nietzsche on How to Find Yourself and the True Value of Education,” is about courage and “Embracing difficulty [as] essential for a fulfilling life.” The article talks about making things easy for oneself by following one’s conscience: Be Yourself, it says. “All that you are doing, thinking, desiring, all that is not you.”

    “There is one path…that none can walk but you… Don’t ask, walk!”

    “What have you truly loved thus far?” “Assemble revered objects in a row and reveal a law of your very self: https://savioni.wordpress.com/2016/03/02/the-fundamental-law-of-my-very-self/

    Reflect on your educators and cultivators. – David Foster Wallace.

    — Taken from http://www.brainpickings. org. (See: https://www.brainpickings.org/2015/09/30/nietzsche-find-yourself-schopenhauer-as-educator/)

  4. I was wondering where you were, Jess. Missed your posts :( Sorry to hear that life has been a bit rocky of late. Losing your writer’s voice…that is a scary thing. I feel you. There are days when I don’t want to write or blog because I’d rather be switching off and enjoying what’s around me. And when I do come back to sit down and write…I find I can’t put the words together. Maybe it’s a matter of timing, or maybe we just need to get away from passion for a while to rediscover who we are. It’s when we’re comfortable then we’re able to write.

    Best wishes and I know you will make it through :)

    • Thanks Mabel! I’m just up against a few tough things that could affect the rest of my life and am trying to sort it all through, which has recently left me with little energy for much else, including blogging. Will write more soon, though! (I hope.)

  5. Two things my friend:
    1. Baby steps are a wonderful way to move through hard and difficult times.
    2. Screwing up and making mistakes doesn’t end (at least not for me yet and I’m in my 40s) and that’s okay. That is how we learn and sometimes they are the best lessons.

    • Good points, and I agree. I knew my statement about screwing up was not as clear as it should have been. Just want to do a few things with my life career and otherwise, and now is the time to do it. No reason to coast and create room for regret later.

      Thanks for the encouragement! Hope you’ve been well!

  6. It wasn’t clear what exactly caused the “brokeness” or causes if not just one, but I echo what other commentors have stated AND will add that life is messy — particularly messy for those who constantly seek forms of perfection… because in seeking perfection we inevitably find imperfection. :) Okay, now go “Oooooooo… that’s heavy profound stuff Professor!” Yeah, I know. Right?

    And about passion? Here’s some MORE over-the-top wisdom from the questionable cranium of the Professor! :D

    Smile Jess and let me hear ya say… “BRING IT LIFE! I GOT THIS! — maybe.” <3

    • I *am* saying that, Professor! Just quietly. ;) I haven’t gone into too much detail about my stresses because no one wants to read an online diary, and, really, the reasons aren’t important. It’s just the concept that life and decisions and relationships and expectations (in general) are so much more complicated than we often give them credit for. Thanks for the encouragement!!

    • Thanks Amy! It’s always nice to know we’re not alone, even when we feel we are. I’ll get through. It’s not so bad with friends like you!! Hope you and the baby are doing well! :)

  7. I’ve always been a big fan Jess. You are a Finisher, a Survivor. You make things happen. Going forward into an unknown is hard sometimes. Trust yourself. Trust in your upbringing. Trust in God. You will be fine..(i think we all lose our voice or passion to write eventually. My blog is an example.)/

    • Thank you! That means a lot. I am trusting myself and God; just moving cautiously. Blogging is an interesting animal, that’s for sure! I’m sorry to hear about your blog. I love reading about your Dylan! But I *totally* get it.

  8. There are very few things you can count on in life. Change is one of them. Judging from the comments and ‘likes’ above, “support from your friends” seems to be another for you. Feel free to begin again, as often as you like. If your post shows up in my inbox, I’m there to read it. Best of luck Jess

  9. Give yourself the luxury of screwing up anytime you want at any age! I’ve been merely thinking of starting over. You may have given me the push I needed.

    • Thank you Carl. I just feel like I’m at a point where I need to make certain moves to make things I want to accomplish happen or they’re not going to happen. Can’t sit on the “maybe” wagon forever.

      I hope you accomplish your new beginning, too!!

  10. To Begin Again

    But where can I begin to tell
    Another story mine,
    If not exactly where I fell
    And neither where I thine?

    It may be late or maybe not
    Despite few months of calm,
    And after losing all I’ve got,
    I see me in my palm.

    I watched my Swift at Vogue reply
    To questions sev’nty-three,
    Where she must see what she would try
    In ten years to be me (https://youtu.be/XnbCSboujF4?t=500).

    It’s time to rise for one more run
    To seize another day,
    To stop not till I see the sun
    Where love to come my way.

    I may be wrong, but if it feels that bad it must be that. I hope you feel better now, and if not, I hope the latest interview of Taylor Swift at Vogue will make you feel better.

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  12. Trust me, even now that I’m only 22 I already feel like I can’t afford the luxury of screwing up either. In no matter what, a job interview, an important exam, a project, a personal life decision… you might laugh at me ^^ but I really feel this way sometimes. But then I realize that we can always find a way around, even if we don’t really see it from the beginning. So cheer up! :) Sometimes we take things too seriously and it can be overwhelming.

  13. Just a few days ago, I met up with a friend and talked about how life continually throws stuff our way ~ there are never any answers, where when we were kids we thought adults had all the answers. One area where I think we are similar is that I can over-analyze just about any scenario ~ forgetting that if I just sit back and make a decision based on feelings instead of fear, the answer is not far away (then again, it did take me to Asia…). Wishing you a great day Jess ~ smile, and enjoy :-)

  14. When I was younger I used to love writing poems. Then one day, I could no longer write any.
    Had not all poems been written? What use would a poem of mine be as an addition?
    Scratching words out, starting over, over and over, it sounded all so mediocre, so empty and hollow.
    Not worth publishing. No inspiration to write anything. So, I started writing policy papers for the disabled.
    Many years later, one day, all of a sudden, there it was, a poem again. Just like that. No trouble. It came from itself.
    Like a flower, that had been in it’s bulb in the ground. Waiting for the right time.

    Georgia O’Keeffe said a woman is like a flower, she’ll open when she is ready.

    We humans can’t break, that easily, I ponder, really, we shatter, sometimes?
    Like rain drops on the ocean, to become fluid and one.
    It’s the waves of life. Sometimes we surf on them, sometimes
    we get wiped out. Some of us drown, and some of us make it back to the beach,
    with the help of others.

    You’re special and unique. You’re talented. You have loved ones that care and love you, and caring strangers that wish you well, on your journey.

    It’s tough because I’m afraid to say the wrong thing, and I don’t know what is going on in your life. I don’t need to know. None of us do. Talk about it with people you can trust, or consider writing under a pseudonym, using false names. Consider therapy.

    Poems:
    The Road Less Taken, Robert Frost
    “Hope” is the thing with feathers, Emily Dickinson

    Songs:
    “Promentory (Last of the Mohicans Theme)” Taylor Davis
    “Heal” Natascha Bessez
    “Homeward Bound ” Simon and Garfunkel
    “You’re Only Human (Second Wind) ” Billy Joel
    “Amazing Grace” Celtic Woman

    This saying told to me by a friend took me years to comprehend:
    Life is a journey not a destination

    Prayer:
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.

    Burning a candle at church can help, just let the tears flow, so that the angels may hear, but remember to keep moving on.

    It is always coldest before the dawn.

    These things have helped me along the way. Step by step. Day by day. Sometimes moment by moment

    “As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.”
    ~ Audrey Hepburn

    I hope they help you, like they’ve helped me, said a fellow perfectionist ;-)

  15. Completely able to relate to this post of yours. How have you been? I came by to wish you for your birthday. Wish you many many happy returns of the day Jess. :) I hope I am not late. Hoping to hear from you soon.

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