carry on

stormAlone I sit and contemplate
this thing that we call life:
Desires we cannot satiate,
the struggles and the strife.

I wonder why we do it now,
I wonder why we try.
I wonder why we carry on,
why not lay down and die?

I guess there’s hope—
the future, see?
Our dreams, they are
a mystery . . .

But, no.

It’s been all these years:
He’ll not return to me.

(He’s God’s, can’t you see?)

I wonder why I do it now,
I wonder why I cry.
I wonder why I can’t let go,
for him, alone, I’ll die.

Unworthy . . .

(God judge me.)

He doesn’t mourn for me.

Image: Pinterest

Note: I feel badly. This poem is not about death (at least not in the traditional sense), though it could easily be read that way. Please, dear readers, do not mourn for me. I did not mean to mislead you or look for sympathy.

71 thoughts

  1. For the angel’s wings I will risk a comment…
    You carry on because you have your life to lead (and a very interesting one it is). If there is an afterlife, you will be reunited soon enough.
    Nice poem.

      • There is something about riding – you’re sitting but you’re in motion. You have company, yet you’re all alone with your head high up in the sky of your thoughts. And so you move through dimensions.
        Yes, I believe you. I too know the magic of riding :)
        It’s a beautiful poem and has the stamp of your ethereal insight, as the poem slowly disappears the closer it gets to its end, to be replaced by intuition.

      • Hmm. I hadn’t thought of it that way. The interesting thing is that “he” is not actually dead. But there is truth to what you say. And, in this case, intuition is enough.

        I often write while I run or ride. You’re right—there’s something about motion and being alone in your head. It’s a good thing.

  2. Our times of loss, pain, and vulnerability make us empathize and appreciate more deeply the beautiful things in life. We become wiser; able to help and share with others more meaningfully! So PLEASE carry on! You now have more to give!

  3. conflicted
    not on the topic
    not on the why
    but glad that we are instructed to “judge not lest we be judged more harshly”
    so, without Him we have no purpose but without him we have life
    it is good to struggle

  4. So many reasons not to lay down and die! You know that I have many and am happy to share a few with you at any moment you feel that you need reminding. I don’t have any answers on reuniting with God or how you feel you will be judged, but what I know is how much love and beauty there is in this world in front of us. It’s up to you to embrace it, appreciate it and make the most of it. -AB

    • I know, Arash. And you of all people would know, too. I won’t be laying down and dying any time soon—no worries. Quite the opposite, actually. There’s more to this post than meets the eye. ;)

  5. “I guess there’s hope—
    the future, see?
    Our dreams, they are
    a mystery . . .”

    This struck a chord deep within me. Far too many wonders. Always questioning, never answering. May the Lord help us!

  6. Jessica, Jessica, I read and wept. So beautiful and so sad. Praise God that you still hear his voice. Sweet lady, please know in your heart that He doesn’t leave you. You can leave him, but He is still there for you and for me and for all your caring friends. I will take you in my heart as I sleep tonight. Tomorrow waits for your gift of beauty and giving.

    • Oh, Marie. You are so kind. This is a very personal poem (with a back story, of course), but, yes, I know God is there. I know He always will be.

      Thank you for your comment and thoughts. I look forward to tomorrow.

  7. Jessica, my heart feels the touch of your heart’s emotion dear sister! I will share something with you I have two young sons who are away from me both born on the same day 5 years apart, and the youngest one Ian died on mothers day! But I keep moving on, taking steps sharing the love God placed within me every day, because with the passing of each day do we not move a little bit closer to a wonderful reunion? Yes we do and it hurts at times and yet there were happy times with both and I have to embrace those even more. Here is a poem I wrote called “butterflies”, and when you read it you will understand and your heart too will be lifted with a healing smile! God bless you and much love to you always my sister!

    Butterflies

    Whenever I see the butterflies flying
    I am reminded of your smiling face,
    As I see them taking wing into the sky
    I feel emotions which are never displaced

    For deep in my heart also live the butterflies
    As they come to life within my heart each day
    While I count the many sweet memories of you
    Which in my thoughts and dreams now stay

    The sheer brilliance of their many vibrant colors
    Produce a vivid rainbow deep within my mind
    Which fills my heart with such an unwavering joy
    Allowing me to enjoy them for endless times

    And the butterflies will be my dearest treasure
    Leaving me never again quite feeling the same
    For the peace they bring can never be measured
    Because on their wings are gently imprinted your name.

    Wendell A. Brown,
    Copyright 2011, from
    “When Each Day I Write Of You”

    • That is beautiful, Wendell. Thank you for sharing. And I am so sorry to hear of your loss! A parent should never live to see their child die… I’m glad we have hope in Christ. You’re right—each day forward is one day closer to reunion. I look forward to seeing my grandmother again someday… The loss referred to in this poem was actually something of a different sort. One can be “God’s” without dying. But I can see why people would read it that way.

      And maybe it’s better that way. ;)

      Much love and God’s blessings to you, too. I am always inspired by your words!

  8. so maybe what happened here is … some missed the possibility within the poem.

    in songwriting, ambiguity is a good thing. more than one thing results in a thicker texture. but ambiguity is a source of frustration for the listener (“how can this song mean two or three things at the same time?”)

    the more you listen, though, the more you come to appreciate ambiguity as a sign of depth, a thickening of meaning.

    it’s a lovely poem. xo tony

    • thank you, tony. i like poetry because a poem can mean many things, and different things at different times. we pull out of it what we put into it. in this case, though, i would understand if people felt misled.

      but you’re right: thickening of meaning. this poem is actually far more agonizing if “God’s” does not mean “dead.”

    • Umm… That’s a good question. I just went with Zemanta’s suggestions and didn’t think about it. Usually by the time I get to tagging a post I’m just ready to be done with it. :P

      Maybe “carry on” is the name of a video game?

  9. Very Cathartic. What a great passion you have and a passionate life as well. Beautiful Poem! :)) Glad to connect with you again!

  10. Ah, Jessica ! So this is THE poem.

    I didn’t connect this poem to what we had talked about before. I wonder why. It’s so clear. And it made me tear up. It’s so pure.

  11. Aha! It all reads very differently now, with the benefit of all the comments, and your replies in particular.
    On a tweety note, good luck with those articles!

    • Thank you, Pat! Yes… I didn’t realize at first how strongly it would come across or what reactions it would elicit from readers… And thank you for the encouragement on my articles. They’re done! What a relief.

      • Well done on the articles – I just read about how you met your deadline – ouch!
        I have deadlines of my own which have kept me from commenting in detail on your “meaning of life/success” post. Certainly, not having any deadlines would be part of my definition of “success”.

  12. Ah, I’ve often wondered the same, but for some reason we keep holding on. Something within us wants to live and I think its worth listening to it. Beautiful piece!

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