hello, my name is ___?

What I didn’t expect was the identity crisis. Some things aren’t supposed to change.

Perhaps you’ve been there, too.

When I was a child, life was simple. Decisions were easy. Choices, slim. And everyone around me was doing the same: college was the horizon.

Fast-forward five years.

Life’s still simple. Life’s still good. A desire previously unfulfilled has been achieved: At college, 3,000 miles from home, I have freedom. I have independence. I’ve left childhood behind and have thousands of years to go. The only trouble? What comes next?

An English degree, a couple of jobs, and a life-changing, three-year tenure in Asia—that’s what . . .  Not to mention the splitting of my home, my 28th birthday, and the poignant realization that, just as time passes, so does youth. No matter how hard I try, I am limited by my lifespan.

I can never see it all, travel it all, write it all, learn it all. I can’t fix it all, have it all, understand it all, or even love it all.

The horizon has become the horizon, and, by its infinity, shown me my limitations.

And, suddenly, I am wavering. Many things I believed to be true have proven to be false, and many things I thought would never be have, in fact, become reality.

And I find myself wondering at the mysteries of life and the way time passes . . . And the energy of youth and the wisdom of age . . . And the fact that I believe in God but have difficulty trusting Him . . .

Or knowing how I fit into His plan.

13 thoughts

    • Beautiful Jess! Hey, sometimes the harder we try to figure out where we fit into God’s plan, the more confused and frustrated we get. It will become apparent to you, sometimes when you least expect it. =)

  1. I’m just commenting so the angel gets taken care of. No seriously…

    If you worry about what you might miss, you’ll certainly miss what’s right next to you. Trust in the next moment.

    • Your words affected me. “…you’ll certainly miss what’s right next to you. Trust in the next moment.” Wise words, in many ways. But you mean to say I shouldn’t worry about the “mysteries of life and the way time passes,” etc.? It seems, to me, it’s okay to think on those things, too…

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

      • I would suggest you change your “thinking terms.” Worrying is obsessing, repeating, anxious. So worrying about your future will produce nothing but the same obsessions repeating over and over. But being amazed and wanting to learn more about the future and mysteries of life, as you say, go for it! I love these kind of discussions, if you want to ‘talk’ more please feel free to email me at jeff@amusingz.com. I saw you stopped by my blog, thanks!

  2. 35, and these questions have become more pressing while the answers feel just as far away as ever (if not farther).

    **By the way, a question I’ve been meaning to ask: Is it a new angel that gets a pair of wings when someone comments, or the same angel getting yet another pair of wings? ‘Cause I’m imagining a poor little guy somewhere with a honkin’ buncha wings…:op

    • Lol. A new angel! Why would a single angel need a bunch of sets of wings?

      I think the questions become more pressing because, as we age, we gain knowledge but realize how much more there is to know, and that we’ll *never* know it all. We also begin to realize that we won’t be around for forever, and that scares us…

An angel earns a pair of wings every time you comment.

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