Ten years ago today (January 25, 2003), I fell 80 feet (24 meters) while rock climbing at T-Wall, a popular climbing site in Tennessee. The doctors said I might not live; when I did, they said I’d never be the same again. Today, not only am I “normal,” most people don’t even know this incident ever happened. This is part four of my story. (To read parts one, two, or three, click here, here, or here.)
THE MISSING PIECE
There is a piece of my story that is missing,
the piece that is all about you.
It is the piece I perhaps have most struggled with, the piece so many assume true.
I recovered from my accident eventually. My rehab is on the next page.
But what of my soul, of “God‘s purpose”?
What is it I now owe—to you?
…
Something that has been hard to explain is the disconnect I feel from what happened to me during those weeks in the hospital. When I woke up in the ICU three and a half weeks after I fell, I was a little girl. A sick little girl. And that was all.
There was no glamor.
There was no fame.
There was no epiphany. No, “A-ha! This is what I’m supposed to do.”
There was no opening of the sky, “This is my daughter . . . ”
No booming voice, “Jessica, I love you.”
There was only me, as lost as ever. And even more so because of the sudden expectation that I would be, must be, had to be something more.
After all, if I weren’t “special,” why wasn’t I dead? . . . At the very least I must feel closer to God because of what I had been through.
Nothing, however, could have been further from the truth.
You see . . .
It wasn’t me who saw me dying.
It wasn’t me who watched the fight.
It wasn’t me who prayed for mercy, who hoped I would survive.
It wasn’t me who sat there crying.
It wasn’t me who saw the grave.
It wasn’t me who saw the miracle, who watched me turn around and thrive . . .
Yes, my life changed. But if I hadn’t lived, how would I have known? I would simply have gone on sleeping.
Facts you might be surprised by:
- My life has been changed far more by my experiences in Taiwan and Hong Kong than it was by my terrible accident.
- After the accident, I felt guilty that I had lived. (Why me? Why not someone else?)
- I still question: What if people hadn’t been praying for me? . . . And how is that fair?
- Today, I feel guilty for even having such an accident such as this. (E.g. How many people even get the chance to rock climb? How many people have been wounded far worse in combat, domestic disputes, by words? I am so fortunate.)
- I’m still trying to figure out God. Who is He? How can I find Him? And, most importantly, how does He relate to people ALL AROUND THE WORLD? I am no longer convinced there is one book full of one truth for all people for all of time. I think God is bigger than that. (Scandalous! I know.)
My story is not over. Part five is yet to come. In the meantime, though, I want to share with you a different perspective—an important one from which I, too, may learn. This is the perspective of my friends and family, people who were with me during this time.
Because, you see, the missing piece is you.
I hope you’ll stay tuned.
…
End of Part Four
..
*image credit: dd-hd.multiply.com
Related articles
- how to not die (jesscy.com)
- how to not die: the rescue (jesscy.com)
- how to not die: the icu (jesscy.com)
- how to not die: the road to recovery (jesscy.com)
- Woman rescued from Waldens Bluff (chattanoogan.com)–The news article reporting my fall
…
You hope we’ll stay tuned?
More like eagerly waiting and dropping everything when I see a new post of you!
It’s remarkable you gave those facts the headline: Facts you might be surprised by.
Do they surprise you?
No. They don’t surprise me. But, judging by what many people say to me when they ask me about my accident, I thought that they might be surprising to some.
Nice article. Purpose in life and how religion and God all fits in has always been rather elusive for me.
Thanks, Jeriel. Glad to know I’m not alone.
Jessica, I am in awe…of the power, the poetry, the poignancy of your words. And in awe not just of the words, but of the clarity of thought that your words create in me the reader, while posing questions that have no clear answers.
Thanks, Dad. This was started last night around 1 a.m. Hence my status update: “I should learn to go to bed earlier. I am useless late at night,” and the reason I waited to finish it until this morning. I’m glad it turned out well!
You look for God
and gaze at the sky,
you keep knocking
and knocking
but the sound comes
from you
and then you realize
that you have been
knocking from the inside
There is some truth to that thought… Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts!
it’s official, i’ve fallen for you …
You flatter me. Thank you so, so much for reading.
Staying tuned. I agree with you – God is much bigger than a book. :)
Thanks so much. Great minds think alike!
Who is God and how you can find him? You can’t find him. He is a lie and you should stop believing it!
Hmm. I’m having a hard time knowing how to respond to this. I don’t begrudge you your view, but, for myself, it seems that man has been talking about God (or something like Him) for all of history. So either we’ll all crazy, or…? Thankfully we’re all entitled to our own views.
its not that we are all crazy but the lie has been perpetuated. Its just a man made ‘thing’. God can be anything you like it to be there isnt even a strict definition.
Isn’t the perpetuation of a lie in itself crazy? Especially over thousands of years by billions of people? Something in us tells us there is something more. It’s true there is no strict definition. But that’s the beauty of being human—our ability to seek truth. We don’t always agree on truth because truth is relative to who we are and where we came from… That’s why I believe God is bigger than my Christian upbringing taught me to believe.
no its not crazy itself. People are ignorant and stubborn. Faith in ‘god’ gives them hope so it has carried on over thousands of years. you are not seeking truth. Your christian upbringing has brainwashed you into a slave. Wheres the beauty in that? How can you be seeking any truth. What does science tell us about what the bible says? If there is a discrepancy how do you explain that?
Perhaps this discussion would best be continued in another medium at another time. Still impressed by your scientific mind, though, Posina.
All attempts by man to classify and define God are limited by the limitations on man. We are imperfect and fallible, we can’t fully comprehend God. But I believe we do have a direct, personal relationship with him, each of us; whether we realize it or not, He does. And even if we don’t see the divinity in all things, we can see it in people.
Everyone says my daughter looks like my wife. Well, kids look like their parents. If God is the father of all people, then we have some resemblance to him, most likely spiritual. All of your friends and family, Jessica, were expressing those inherited traits from God, and though I haven’t read enough to know what you are doing in your traveling, it sounds like you are expressing those traits as well when you teach. I really appreciate your quest for meaning in your experiences.
And I really appreciate your feedback.
Currently I’m in the US, but, in the near future, I hope to head overseas again. I taught in Taiwan and Hong Kong for three years. It was because of these and other travel experiences (to Cambodia, Laos, Thailand, the Philippines, etc.) that I came to see that you are right–all attempts to classify and define God are limited by the limitations of man. God is so much bigger than we imagine. And I find that comforting. Somehow, he can see through the haze of the religious dogma people create here on earth. He is not defined by religion.
Thanks again. I am so glad you stopped by and commented. I’m glad to know I’m not alone in my thoughts.
I believe in an infinite God. How can anyone accurately decribe the Infinite?
So you are right God IS bigger than just one Book for all mankind.
We however are as nothing comparatively, one Book of Truth is enough for any one of us.
We get to choose which book, not IF a book.
Nice handling of Posina btw – did that conversation ever continue? :-)